2009年8月26日 星期三

[prettytgirls] Hello to all you girls

Allison,

I lost my wife through divorce. My kids had grown up and when my wife moved out, I was left staring at these walls (which I immediately painted). I spent a couple of months making connections on the internet, then met some friends in Chicago. It was Halloween, and I went to parties, Hunter's, then the premier Gay club, and had a makeover and had made my clothes for the trip. It was magical. I was ready and had a wonderful time, but played it very safe. I didn't drink - I no longer drink anymore, and I was very careful to avoid any controversy. If anyone looked at me in a strange way I turned and walked the other way. My friends were knowledgeable

and, as Trans people, had been out often. I live in Minnesota, so if any trouble had happened, I was pretty sure that it would not get back to my home territory.

I had told my wife (separated and moved out) about me the week before and my kids just before I left. They all accepted it and wished me well, but they have had many questions since then. This was over 4 years ago.

I live full time as a female, have gotten court orders to change my name and gender on all ID documents. I am still involved in the GLBT community and help others like you on a regular basis. A brand new one called me on Saturday. She has a long way to go.

The reason I write, is to tell you that it all takes time, but is do-able. My daughter still has problems dealing with me, but my son accepts and loves me. Through him I have a grandson. My daughter still thinks of me as "Dad", which is a problem because I'm still her parent, but it is inappropriate to call me "dad" any more. My son has agreed to use the label "Nana" for me, because calling me grandpa is just wrong!! But, in suggesting this to him to solve the problem, I scored a coop, because it also allows him to think of me and address me as "she" and "her" when the grandson is around, and forms the habit in his psychology of thinking of me as a woman. My daughter loves me, but still is struggling with pronouns and uses my name instead of dad. My point in all this - is that it all takes time. You don't get an aircraft carrier to reverse direction on a dime. Its a long slow arc.

Take your time, be patient and find a mentor who you can talk to. As you get electrolysis and grow your hair out, don't think of those who do it for you as "friends". That attachment has led many a trans person to trust people who are providing a service too much. Be nice, but don't get too close. When you finally get to the point of being comfortable as a woman, you will change out many friends who know too much about you because you will want some "normalcy". I was at the hair salon getting some hair work, recently, and the hairdresser, who knows about me, was talking about how I don't have the years of experience working with my hair because I was a man. It was embarrassing, because every other woman in the shop now knows that I am trans. I'd rather choose who I come out to. It should be my decision. I am living as a woman, and should be allowed to do just that. I should be treated as a woman. It is tremendously important to be treated as
you appear to be, and not get all these questioning looks and potential problems with other people. And don't ever treat anyone else as any different than they appear. Use the correct pronouns when addressing them. They deserve the same right to be treated as who they appear to be. There is a lot to learn, and you will screw up, we all do, but apologize when you do and try to correct it.

Another part of the journey is being a woman. You are a woman when you say you are, not when others think you are. I am primarily referring to the surgery issue, but it holds true for rest room use, too. It is not appropriate to ask if anyone has had surgery. If they are presenting well enough that you have to ask, it doesn't matter. It is a fact that when you are ready for surgery, you already are a woman, or you should not proceed. The surgery does not "make" you a woman. It is a personal fulfillment that is terribly important to most, but many of us cannot afford it and may not be healthy enough to survive it. Are they not women because of that? An emphatic - NO! And it is a fact that you can get all your documentation changed, live and work as a woman, and never have to lift your skirt to show anyone, one way or the other. (Although we are not certain of these new TSA regulations, yet.)

I hope you have a wonderful experience, but if something is not good, don't give up. It just means you have to be a little more careful next time. Don't worry about it, but remember it cause this is a time you will remember all the rest of your life. It is amazing. Take pictures. You're gonna want them some day, to look back upon and smile at how you were. Pat yourself on the back for your courage. You did this!!

I still have all my pictures in a album and look at them from time to time. I show others. I was a looker! I remember the first time I got wolf whistles walking on the street - on my first night out!

I hope you have a magic time!!!!!

sincere-leigh,
Leigh Smythe

________________________________
From: "allisonsagirl
To: prettytgirls@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Monday, August 24, 2009 9:33:49 AM
Subject: [prettytgirls] Hello to all you girls

Hello, girls, here is my short introduction: My name is Allison Ryder and I am a "new girl". My wife recently died and as she didn't really like my dressing, I didn't dress when she was home. Now, when I get off work, I get to be who I am...Allison. I have not gone out en femme as yet but will soon. Still learning how to apply makeup as all I have worn before was lipstick and tarty looking eye makeup since I used to have a beard and mustache. A wonderful friend who sells makeup and skin care products is helping me be a better looking girl. K. is the first to meet me as Allison. I am setting up what I'm referring to as my Virgin Debutante Dinner in September where I will finally go out dressed up. 3 good friends will be there but do not know yet just why...my big introduction to them as the female that I am inside.

I live in Ukiah, CA and I hope to hear back from any of my new "sisters" who live close by. Maybe we can have lunch sometime?

I have told my 3 children (actually, step-children but I don't refer to them as such) and so far, a bit of a dilemma. My daughter and youngest dtr-in-law have been wonderful! Kimmi (dtr-in-law) sent me two beautiful shawls to go with my red dress (I sent them pictures of me as Allison since my daughter asked me "so, are you hot?" ha ha) to show that she loves me and supports me. Her husband, youngest son, says he probably won't ever be able to call me Allison, though, and I haven't been able to speak to him. I'll give it a bit. Oldest son & wife also have problems with this. Oh, they all say they won't cut me off from the family, they love me, etc. but I haven't heard back from them, either. I don't want to lose them from my life, nor lose my grandchildren from my life, nor me from theirs so I'll have to give it a while to see how they are adjusting to this news.

A wonderful friend from Virginia, D., is also very supportive. She, daughter and dtr-in-law all call me Allison when emailing or talking on the phone but I must learn a more female voice ha ha!

Anyway, ladies, I hope to read more in this website and learn more, maybe even be able to attend any gatherings that our group sets up.

Love & Hugs,
Allison
"I may never be the girl of my dreams...but never-the-less, I'm a Girl!"

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